Cheat Twice Are You Forever Untrustworthy? What Role Do I Play in Relationships?
What does a relationship that works look like? How is it created and maintained? What role do I play in my relationships? Am I in a relationship that looks like the same dynamic and has the same cycle my parent’s relationship had?
I planned a trip to visit my parents where I grew up when my BF of 3 years accused me of setting up a meeting with a blogger. BF claims he read the blogger’s blog, and concluded that he lives in the same city I grew up and am visiting. To BF now blogger and I, “are meant for each other…perfect,” again, a false accusation. Now BF’s on the couch, and I’m in bed wondering how I’ll survive the move, since now, of course, we’re breaking up, again.
It hasn’t happened yet, but then there will be hugging and an exchange of smiles, “I love you,” and off to the movies. Hours before I was on the phone with a shipping company, wondering where I would gather the money it would cost me to make such a big move. Plus the feeling in my stomach as at those moments I’m scared to death as to what would happen to me. After all, I’ve been protected for many years now. Then I tell myself, of course, you can make it–you always do.
Yes. I did cheat on my BF, 2 times during a rocky part in the relationship. However, no excuse is justifiable. I’m also in no way trying to exploit our relationship or BF in any way shape or form. But my privacy has also been breached. Is that right? Having no privacy in a relationship? He also won’t like this blog, and will accuse me of defaming him, like anyone cares or knows who he is. The point is every other minute it’s another accusation, or him feeling like rocks have been thrown at him while he’s crucified on a cross. (My words.) All I’m contemplating is our relationship healthy enough to really last?
I want kids someday, and to get married, maybe. That being said, I need some one that is like a rock in my life. I can’t play on the teeter-totter constantly. I really just want to have a relationship minus arguing, breaking up every other day, and constant false accusation. Do these problems mean our relationship is over? The trust obviously isn’t there. I did tell him a while back when we were at a possible turning the other direction point from each other that if he can’t move on from the past and my affairs, which is understandable, then we shouldn’t move forward. He said he wanted to move forward together. It seems evident that he can’t because I’m accused of everything from starting online affairs to belonging to a computer hacking cult. I’m an uneducated person about computers, and the hacking world, and have learned my lessons as per affairs go–I’m classy. Wonder ever that means?
Is it wrong for me to post about BF with out him getting in a word about the situation too? It’s not a war I’m starting. I have questions about relationships. I did tell one other blogger this, if you wouldn’t want to live for the rest of your life in the past 6 months of your relationship, then you may need to evaluate things. Life is short. It goes by like a blink of an eye. I’m writing out loud but silently.
Relationships are hard any way you look at it, from my view.
love together, pretty nice post
Mike,
Thanks for reading. Keep posted.
As per your comment, love together, that’s nice, makes sense. Takes two to tango to whatever beat, I guess get in synchronization with each other. Maybe that’s not what you meant exactly, or at all—but it makes sense. Thanks.
Truly,
Mea Nada Madison
Well, I’m probably the last person to offer up anything here! My track record with relationships is pretty horrific! However…
From my perspective, there does have to be absolute trust, communication, honesty, commitment. More things too but those are non-negotiables. Plus, it takes a lot of work. You have to invest in a relationship. Otherwise, what’s the point, right? See my list of things above. For me, though, that actually isn’t a lot of work. That is simply how I “function” in a relationship.
My problem is just “finding” someone. The person to do all of those things (and more) with.
Granted, there are no absolutes and those above items and so many others can go awry. That is probably where the work really comes into play. Probably the commitment part too? For some, it may be easier just to walk away and not be bothered. To my mind, that seems to say that things just weren’t worth much at all but really, not for me to say. I am not or was not part of the relationship! *rolls eyes*
Also, it’s really none of my business! If someone wants my opinion, they can ask for it. Otherwise, I’ll just hang back and try not to interfere.
So, you went outside the relationship a couple of times. Alright. Well, that’s going to take some serious repair if monogamy was a serious issue from the outset. Also, it can trigger some “trust” issues if they were pretty serious as well.
It is so very complicated too as we’re all individuals and every relationship is different. Some may see what you did as a monumental violation of some things (or everything!) Others may say that it’s not so “monumental” because perhaps they love you so much they’d forgive you for anything! Even doing it twice!
Nothing is perfect in life and it never will be–relationships included! Hell, they’re probably at the top of the list! Yes, things can get rocky but if you can’t find resolutions to the problems or if things keep going on and on…well, you may have to step back and (re-)assess the situation. I know. Easier said than done?
So many times we can get caught up in the whole co-dependency scene, too. Now, extricating yourself from those relationships can be really hard as well! Sometimes, we don’t even know we’re in a co-dependent relationship! Even further, sometimes those relationships can be so messy, you don’t know who is the enabler and who is being enabled or maybe it even switches back and forth!
I mean, it’s complete “relationship masochism!”
Trust me. I know all of this “self-torture” and the disaster it causes and havoc it wreaks! AHHHH!!! *laughing* It really is no laughing matter, though.
So, at the end of this long winded comment (where I really don’t know if I’ve shed any light on anything for you!) relationships are…?
I don’t know if we may ever find truly definitive words or images for them. No, I don’t think so. Going back to what I started with, what were things that I deemed necessary? That and some others are about as far as I can go.
Maybe that’s as far as any or all of us can go. What things are important to you in relationships, see if you can have those things met with someone else and then just try.
PA
xo
PA,
Everything you said made perfect sense. And your right, some things are easier said then done. One may notice certain things that aren’t right or healthy like co-dependancy, which I’m not sure I really am, but to act in a relationship when action is needed is hard. I’m not saying action needs to be taken, well yes, more trust and other issues need to be worked out for a relationship to be functional.
I kind of regret writing this blog as I wrote it out of emotion, which usually isn’t good.
I think we know what’s the right thing to do in a relationship, but doing it takes effort. I don’t feel my blogging about it was appropriate in retrospect. Or maybe it was fine. I don’t know, I don’t want to obsess over it too much. However I know he is not happy with my posting such news.
Relationships take work. True that!
Thanks for your comment!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Email you this weekend while I’m out of town, and have some down time.
Mea xo
Yes, it’s tough re: the blogging out of sheer, surefire emotion! I’ve done it so much. I have experienced that “regretted it in the morning,” sort of thing. Had those feelings after clicking the “Submit” button! Or rather after I had logged off and then read it later.
However, always the option to delete it? But I won’t if someone has made a comment. That’s not fair (at least for me personally) as they have taken the time to respond and deserve one back in kind.
Still, your blog is your blog and I feel strongly that you should be able to write whatever you want. It’s your own space.
So many people have told me that when I would get all flippy about some of the things I have written. They say, “NO! You have done nothing wrong!”
I guess it all comes down to who you are as a blogger, what you want to say and all of that. Personal choice, really.
And yet, my blog has been through (and continually goes through) a lot of changes, mutations, up, down, freaky, boring, stupid, funny, medical/science geeky, plain old general geeky…OMG. It totally lacks direction…oh, well. Maybe that’s why some person out there might like it? Or it’s just plain old ridiculous altogether?!
So I say, just keep blogging away to your heart’s content, my dear.
Okay, look forward to your email. I probably need some down time as well but just like my blog, I am feeling all over the place too! Blech.
xo
I am a forty-five year-old woman who has been married to the same man for 16 years- together almost twenty years. The ups and downs are many and varied. There is no real answer to your questions. Yes, a committed relationship is a pile of work, but just because you are putting in the work, do not necessarily expect things to go as planned. Mea, I can say to you, based on my own life experience, that you are not well suited to your current boyfriend. If, at this early point in your relationship, you are arguing and unhappy and having multiple infidelities, I would say can it. Save this shit for later, as most of us do if we are so unfortunate to take some of these turns with our partners. I am assuming that you are a young woman. Do not be in a hurry to marry. Wait for the man that is right- a man that you can’t wait to see when you get home. If there is even the slightest feeling of dread at the thought of having to interact with this man on a consistent basis, forget it. Wait for the man that is the first person that comes to mind when you ask yourself the question, “Who would I like to go on vacation with?” The reverse of this is that you make yourself available to another person to be the first person that he thinks of when asking himself this question. You are already doubting the chances of success for this partnership. This says alot. I would advise you and your current man to seek couples counseling to determine, honestly, if you have a possible future together. I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but I was the victim of infidelity and it is like a punch in the gut. It is unlikely that your current bf will be able to heal from your 2 past affairs without some serios work. That’s it for now. I haven’t even scratched the surface of my own beliefs and feelings about life with a mate. So very complicated and difficult to understand.
Robin,
Thank you for your thoughtful comment in response to my relationship problems at the time. Yes. I am a younger woman, and can be irrational like blogging about relationship prematurely. You have some great input like waiting to get married and really evaluating the relationship with all we’ve been through and all. But at the same time, we have been through a lot, and that stands for something, if we’re still standing at the end of the day. Congrats on your almost 20 year marriage. I’m assuming you know much more than I do. I also agree about needing time to heal from the affairs, they were messy, and for both of us, devestating. And yes. Very complicated and difficult to understand, but again I appreciate you reading my blog and providing such valuable insight. Please stop back again. I’d love to hear from you!
Always,
Mea Nada Madison